99 problems…..but you aren`t one……

I actually liked this guy`s profile after reading it so I decided to message him. It read “I am seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with….ending in acrimony, emotional chaos and possible legal proceedings….someone who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion, but whose self-loathing and fear of rejection will eventually lead her to pushing me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity and the eventual emotional breakdown of both parties…if we`re really lucky.   You should have a history of  short intense drama-driven relationships. Have debts totalling more than £100,000, have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past and continually threaten to self-harm as a means to control me and make me stay with you.
Although not completely necessary I would also prefer a woman who drinks to forget and has a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder and is currently prescribed Lithium,SSRI`s or Tri-cyclic anti-depressants. If you think you meet these requirements then maybe we should talk….(or maybe not)…” Like I said I messaged him and we ended up chatting. Well….he was doing all the talking, telling me all about his heart operation he`d undergone last year, he was on the waiting list for a hip replacement, has recently had to have his blood pressure tablets changed and was waiting to see a specialist about his hearing problem……I honestly don`t think I said more than one sentence…..making some excuse (probably a pile of ironing) I ended the conversation….
At the same time I was conducting a conversation with”J” which had by now deteriorated into 3 word sentences so when he said “What are you doing this weekend?” which as we all know is code for “Are you free?” I lied and said I was going out with friends in Manchester. To which he replied “Are you sure you`re not seeing another guy? Lol ” “Definately not!” He wasn`t convinced (apparently) “Oh! I think I`m in Manchester on Saturday! Where will you be? I`ll come and meet you!” Err…no you won`t……”Not sure where we`ll be…..catch you later!” and no…I never did.
The same day I had a message from “D” and decided to decline after reading his profile.
“Must live within kissing distance. I`m tender,loving,sincere,love kisses and cuddles and holding hands, that makes the world go round. I`m looking for the normal girl next door type so you must be normal, genuine and reliable. Your ex must be your ex….full stop.” Girl next door?? Does he not even realise what time I have to get up to put this war paint on?? Never mind the usual sickening sloppy stuff. At least he stopped before mentioning beaches…….So, do you all see how difficult this is???…….